I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Randomize
