New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
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