You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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