Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Randomize
