dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
Randomize
