All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
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