Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
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