my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
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