Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
she was hot for a redneck and i dont look at teeth
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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