Just finished my law exam. Questions 4-18 seemed to pertain specifically to things we've done this semester.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
These tits shall not be calmed
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
