The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
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