Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Randomize
