Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Randomize
