his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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