So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize
