Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Randomize
