and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Randomize
