I'm so fucking centered right now
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
