She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
Randomize
