You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize
