I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
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