then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
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