nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
