i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
