She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
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