I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
