Kiss
Puke
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
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