Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Randomize