When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
Randomize
