Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Sorry my hands just texted you
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
