I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
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