Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
