Already got asked if we're dating
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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