Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Randomize
