you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
