i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
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