Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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