U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
