Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Randomize
