If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
I need to align my fucking chakras
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
