so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Randomize
