didnt we say no more talking to eachother
it will help you get over me i promise
im horny
ok i will unlock the door
I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Randomize
