...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
