Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
Randomize
