You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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