totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Randomize
