I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
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