I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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