Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
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