last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
Randomize