Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
