Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
