they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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