yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
nutella sex= disaster
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
I have surprise drugs for everyone
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Randomize
