Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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