My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
