note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
Randomize
