I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
How external is "for external use only"?
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Randomize
