I can't breathe out the right side of my face
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
I'm pretty sure that every show on ABC Family could be turned into a drinking game.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Randomize
