buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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