I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
Randomize
