I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
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