I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
