I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
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