I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
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