i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
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