I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Randomize
