just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
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