Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
